Wedding Date on Sep 1, 2018

"At the beginning of our relationship I wasn’t sure how to accept this kind of love. ⁣ On one hand, I could see and comprehend that I was worthy and deserving of love like this. ⁣ On the other, that idea scared me so much, that I wanted to control the situation and potential pain by finding and creating problems to inflate and protect myself. ⁣ Or so I thought. ⁣ ⁣ I remember being in a car and pulling my hand away from his to show him I was angry. ⁣ I found something new to be angry about. ⁣ Something I had no right to be. ⁣ ⁣ We drove silently for half an hour and when we got back to his place we stood in his kitchen as he leaned against the counter and calmly told me this wasn’t going to work. ⁣ ⁣ Because I was fighting him every step of the way. ⁣ ⁣ I knew that day that this feeling of wanting to control things was built by fear. ⁣ I didn’t want to lose him. ⁣ So I kept doing things that would make it as though I chose to. ⁣ He can’t hurt me, ⁣ If I’m the one doing the hurting, ⁣ Was my logic. ⁣ ⁣ My flawed and now failing logic. ⁣ ⁣ That day, in that moment, I decided to stop searching for or creating problems and instead start leaning into trusting that maybe, just maybe, this love was real and trustworthy. I didn’t need to fight him to have that validated. ⁣ ⁣ This year in many ways took me back to that time again. Because between my mental health, physical health, changes to my emotions, body and ultimately our relationship: those little fears that I haven’t felt for years came back... am I loveable through this?⁣ ⁣ So. With that fear, I would make the choice to lean in and accept the love instead of leaning out and debating it. ⁣ ⁣ I have been brought to my most vulnerable. ⁣ And nothing he can do can fix it. ⁣ ⁣ Yet I can feel his hand on my back. ⁣ His arms wrap around me. ⁣ ⁣ Not as my keeper,⁣ But as my friend. ⁣ My partner. ⁣ ⁣ And with this wild idea that I am worthy and deserving of a love like this...⁣ ⁣ I let him hold me. And I let myself be held." - Sarah